WARNING: GODZILLA SPOILERS ARE CONTAINED WITHIN THIS POST.
A few weeks ago, I went to see Godzilla. I hadn’t looked up the plot summary or anything beforehand, so imagine my surprise when out of the giant pulsing “spore” (ahem, egg) emerged something that looked a lot like a cross between a giant water bug and Alien…not Godzilla. And then imagine my UTTER GLEE when they said that the thing that was not Godzilla was a parasite. Swoon. I immediately conjured up all kinds of plot possibilities, and I couldn’t wait to see how the parasites attacked Godzilla!
But then I quickly realized that the “parasites” were not parasites at all. The parasites acquired energy from radioactive material. For instance, they ate nuclear warheads. And that alone doesn’t make them parasites.* It makes them autotrophs. I thought I might have missed the parasite explanation, so after the movie, I did some googling. But all I could find was some people saying that the parasites (or their young) might try to feed on Godzilla’s radioactive energy. I would totally buy that, if the parasites had searched for Godzilla in the movie. But instead, Godzilla searched for the parasites. In fact, he was their “predator.” WHAT?! Yo, Hollywood. You need a parasite ecology consultant? HMU.
So, I wrote you guys a different plot, with actual Godzilla parasites in it. Except that they aren’t parasites, per se. They’re parasitoids.* Enjoy!
The female parasitoid hatches from an egg in a mine in the Philippines. The female parasitoid goes to the Janjira nuclear plant to feed and causes a giant explosion. A lady dies, and it’s sad. The female parasitoid forms a chrysalis in the wreckage.
Sometime in the next 15 years, the other egg from the mine in the Philippines is taken to the USA to be studied and whatnot. Then the radioactive body of the male parasitoid – which is thought to be dead – is stored in Yucca Mountain.
After 15 years, the female parasitoid emerges from her chrysalis. She has wings! (Yes, it is the male who has wings in the movie, but I don’t like it that way.) She destroys a bunch of stuff and kills a dude and it’s sad.
The male (he’s alive!) and female parasitoids start communicating via echolocation (ok, whatever, I’ll go with it). They start trying to find each other, stopping only to ransack ships and whatnot so that they can eat radioactive material. When they find each other, the male fertilizes the female. The male also gives her a nuptial gift of a nuclear warhead, because that was really cute. Then he dies because he’s a male and he no longer has a purpose in life. ONE MONSTER DEAD. Huzzah!
Now the female needs a host for her eggs. So, while armed forces are trying to shoot her to bits, she uses her highly adapted sensory apparatus to seek out Godzilla. When she finds Godzilla, she stabs her ovipositor (yes, she has one of those now) into Godzilla’s body cavity and deposits a single egg.
Then the female parasitoid tries to fly off to find another Godzilla so that she can lay another egg, because that’s what parasitoids do. But Godzilla grabs her head and breathes plasma down her throat, and she dies. SECOND MONSTER DEAD. Huzzah!
The world starts to rejoice because all the parasitoids are dead, but suddenly San Francisco is being trampled by Godzilla! Someone left some giant war heads in San Francisco, and Godzilla is being manipulated by the parasitoid larvae into finding and eating more radioactive material! Oh no! But wait, one of the nuclear warheads has an analog detonator thingy, so the parasitoid’s EMP abilities can’t stop it from detonating now that it has been activated! Godzilla eats it! 1 hour and 29 minutes later, Godzilla and the parasitoid within explode. ALL THE MONSTERS ARE DEAD!
Some soldier and his lady kiss and stuff. The end!
*If you don’t remember the difference between a parasite, a predator, and a parasitoid, check this out.